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Satire: “Paul Ryan’s Song of Himself”

Thursday, August 16, 2012 18:40
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(Before It's News)

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“Paul Ryan’s Song of Himself”
by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)— “Today the Republican Vice-Presidential pick Paul Ryan published the following poem to America:

    “This morning I was at Equinox
    Getting ripped and shredded, pumped and jacked,
    Cross-training with Jeremy
    Who totally kicks my butt.
    And I was like, “I shall not let my foes define me.”
    And I was so stoked
    I punched Jeremy in the face.
    Endorphins, mofo—
    Sweet.
    Who is Paul Ryan?
    He can bench-press three times his weight,
    Ochocinco a cinderblock in two,
    Change the course of mighty rivers,
    Bend steel in his bare hands,
    And tug freighters with his teeth.
    Paul Ryan:
    Rock-hard abs,
    Bulging delts,
    Glistening pecs.
    But not gay.
    Ayn Rand wrote:
    “The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
    She could have been writing
    About Paul Freakin’ Ryan.
    I don’t read Ayn Rand anymore.
    I disavow her atheist philosophy.
    I just know that quote
    Because it’s tattooed on my left oblique.
    So join me
    In Paul Ryan’s America:
    Where heroes roam free
    And pussies fear to tread.
    Where a small boy from Wisconsin
    Can grow up to join forces with a casino billionaire
    To kick Iran in the cojones,
    And leave behind the America of my foes:
    Where the old and feeble
    Expect food, medicine, and whatnot.
    Not on my watch
    Because I am Paul Ryan.
    Paul Freakin’ Ryan.
    Drop and give me twenty, America:
    It’s clobberin’ time.”



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