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DAN RUDY

Washington, DC

Hands above the covers, Washington!  Grover Norquist has got out his flashlight,
on the hunt for salacious wetdreaming from his Republican House majority
members.  The new congress hasn’t even
been sworn into office, and already two Republican senators and a congressman
have publicly backed from “The Pledge”.  So the story goes:

Norquist said his group would “certainly highlight who has kept their commitment and who hasn’t” when it comes time for lawmakers like Sen. Lindsey Graham and Rep. Peter King to run for re-election, though Norquist claimed voters generally decide on their own to oust elected officials who vote to raise taxes. …[He adds that] “No pledge taker has voted for a tax increase. You’ve had some people discussing impure thoughts on national television,” he said.

While in no way conferred any public responsibilities and
directly accountable to no one, Norquist is considered by many[1] to
be a key figure in modern American conservatism, and the Republican Party by
extension.  His group, Americans for Tax
Reform, arranged a pledge at the beginning of the 2012 election wherein its
signatories promised to in no way increase marginal tax rates on either persons
or businesses, except in the case of matching (1:1) cuts in spending. 

The intractability of the pledge has since generated
substantial controversy, with Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) blaming
it for the inefficacy of congressional debt talks and the approaching fiscal
cliff.

There was a revealing CBS interview with Grover in which he was asked whether he would metaphorically drown government in
the bathtub, best of all possible worlds considered.

“No,” he responded.  “We want it down
to the size to where it would fit in a bathtub.  And then it could worry about what we were up
to.  … 
We functioned in this country with government at eight percent of GDP
for a long time and quite well.”

Norquist’s dream for a uniform-platform Republican Party came at
the age of twelve, when instead of masturbating as his peers a young Grover volunteered for
Nixon’s 1968 campaign. “If
the parties would brand themselves the way Coke and Pepsi and other products do
so that you knew what you were buying, it had quality control. I vote for the
Republican. He or she will not raise my taxes. I’ll buy one. I’ll take that one
home.”

Any heterogeneity is inexcusable.  “’Cause let’s say you take that Coke bottle
home, and you get home, and you’re two thirds of the way through the Coke
bottle. And you look down at what’s left in your Coke bottle is a rat head
there. You wonder whether you’d buy Coke ever again. You go on TV, and you show
‘em the rat head in the Coke bottle. You call your friends, and tell them about
it. And Coke’s in trouble. Republicans who vote for a tax increase are rat
heads in a Coke bottle. They damage the brand for everyone else.”

Akin to Protestant sexual mores of ‘in the heart’ – a
theological time paradox in which a sin thought is as potent as (and so more dangerous
than) one done – the ideologically impure thoughts of senators Graham & Chambliss and representative King are tantamount to one-handed nocturnal defection.  Though the sticky muck America finds itself
covered in is arguably the result of a Congress mired in ideological
self-espousal, rather than any bizarre bipartisan fantasizing.

*

Dan Rudy is a born-again Zarathustrean with a penchant for boot-blacking.  He writes occasionally, here and at sluffabout.com.  Note that while this entire article was written while clad only in a bathrobe and briefs, no erections were implied in the researching.

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2012-11-28 13:43:59

Source: http://www.deardirtyamerica.com/2012/11/norquist-keeps-house-hands-above-covers.html