Occasionally,
airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety
lecture” and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane…”
After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public
unsupervised.”
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children,
decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we’ll but
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising
altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight.”
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight…!”
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a
bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight
attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten
off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
“Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,”
said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did
we land or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
