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Stop Bullshitting Yourself If You Want To Wake Up (From The True Matrix)
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I’m trying to free your mind Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one who has to walk through it.
— Morpheus, The Matrix
I have it all, but I feel a void…
I think I fell asleep at the wheel of my life.
I’m my very own “Walking Dead.”
It’s odd too because I’m successful by most measures.
Married my college sweetheart 20+ years ago. Two incredible kids. Great job. Awesome salary. Incredible opportunities everywhere I turn.
Yet…
I can’t shake that feeling of something being wrong.
I feel alone. The dream-life I wished for, now that I have it, feels like a nightmare.
I’ve tried all the tricks: I lost 20lbs, got more sleep, ran a 5k. Didn’t help.
I tried to exercise more, eat better, read books about happiness. Didn’t work.
Changed jobs. Changed jobs again. Changed industries, a decade working in non-profit. Changed jobs again. More money sure, but still, felt like a failure and a mess.
As my life-dissatisfaction soared, my marriage started getting rocky. We ended up in therapy. Yeah, I can afford therapy.
It sort of helped. But it didn’t stick. I wasn’t honest with my therapist, or my wife or myself. I numbed myself by being distant and aloof. I felt like a liar. I felt like I was saying things that they wanted to hear. I didn’t want to be analysed and scrutinised and judged. Who’s perfect anyway?
I told myself maybe this was just a phase, a mid-life crisis. It wasn’t.
I started getting angry with myself, hating myself. I couldn’t even look myself in the eyes in the mirror.
I was lost. I am lost. I am losing.
I’d have dinner with my family around me yet feel isolated. Stuck in my head, alone with my thoughts about this and that.
I watched too much TV and worked too much. My job had me traveling every week to some shitty city doing some shitty work for some shitty client. All of them are interchangeable. Dallas, Atlanta, Charlotte, Phoenix. Whatever. Wherever. Whenever.
When I wasn’t working, I’d call home for 2 minutes to say hi, then go out and work some more, or get drunk, or watch some stupid movie, or just go to sleep. Day in and day out. If Groundhog Day was a horror, not a comedy, that’s my life.
I knew I was in a funk, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. I knew I needed to do something, anything. This couldn’t continue.
One night at dinner, alone, I made the decision to start learning new things while traveling. Feeding my brain, being productive, positive thoughts. Great idea right?
I tried to learn 3D modelling. Got bored.
I tried to write a novel, hated what I was writing.
Tried blogging and thought, what a douchebag. Shut up already.
I am lost.
I didn’t give up. I kept looking for an ah-ha moment.
Source: http://truthisscary.com/2015/03/stop-bullshitting-yourself-if-you-want-to-wake-up-from-the-true-matrix/
