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Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something to Prove Considering Career in Law Enforcement: Satire
This moody, temperamental ball of repressed rage says he would like to serve and protect one day.
Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Onion. Names in their stories are invented and any use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
RALEIGH, NC—Calling it his lifelong dream, local man Brendan Lockhart, an insecure and perpetually frustrated bully who believes he has something to prove to the world, told reporters Thursday that he is seriously considering a career in law enforcement.
Lockhart, a recent high-school graduate who sources confirmed is plagued by resentment, self-doubt, unexpected fits of rage, and has always had a penchant for tormenting those who are smaller and weaker than him, explained that he feels he is well suited to serve as a police officer.
“I’ve always wanted to be a cop,” said Lockhart, whose paranoia and inferiority complex constantly haunt him, leading him to lash out at others in order to convince them he is in control. “I know it’s a tough line of work, but I think I’ve got what it takes to earn my shield and get out there and keep the peace.”
“This is the job I was born to do,” continued the man whose main goal in life is to prove to others that he is strong, confident, and not afraid.
Friends and family confirmed that Lockhart, an unpredictable, petty individual who frequently loses his temper when he feels he is being threatened or disrespected, has in recent months been inquiring into joining the ranks of the Raleigh Police Department. In this role, the man with a massive chip on his shoulder and no visible sense of empathy would be tasked with peacefully resolving disputes and evenhandedly administering justice to members of the community over whom he would have official power.
Specifically, sources speculated that should Lockhart successfully complete the 17-week officer training program and cursory psychological examination necessary to become a cop, the 18-year-old, who suffers from feelings of inadequacy and frequently explodes in emotional outbursts against people he perceives to be mocking him, would on a daily basis be placed in delicate situations requiring extreme patience and sound judgment.
“My dad’s encouraging me to go to the academy, and he says that once I graduate I can probably get a job around here,” said Lockhart, referring to the man whose own lack of compassion and propensity for inexplicable violence is largely to blame for similar patterns in his son, and who is himself a veteran police officer. “Once I’m a cop, I’m going to do what I have to do to make sure these neighborhoods stay safe.”
Delivered by The Daily Sheeple
Contributed by The Onion of The Onion.
Source: http://www.thedailysheeple.com/insecure-frustrated-bully-with-something-to-prove-considering-career-in-law-enforcement-satire_042015
