5 Signs the Zombie Apocalypse Has Begun!

But if I am right, then the end of the world is near and I’m here to tell you it ends with neither a bang nor a whimper, but with an army of the walking, slouching, drooling dead. The signs are all there, cousins, just open your eyes. Consider the evidence that the zombie apocalypse has already started:

5. The CDC Got Involved
 

Back in 2011, the Center for Disease Control published its own zombie survival guide. Ha, ha, the internet said, very funny, and the guide got passed around more than Pamela Anderson. A CDC spokesperson said they published the guide to raise awareness about their activities, and a disaster recovery expert added that, although meant to be humorous, the tips in the guide would get you through just about any unnatural disaster.

Ha, ha, CDC, good one. The guide was also first published alongside pamphlets on surviving an earthquake and influenza. Um, ha? The zombie guide was also released during the height of the Avian Flu epidemic, a disease which caused the following symptoms in humans: “fever, cough, sore throat, muscle aches, eye infections, pneumonia, severe respiratory diseases and other severe and life-threatening complications.” Or otherwise known as zombie-itis. Crap, CDC.

Besides, when you think of the words ‘humorous’, ‘tongue in cheek’, or ‘creative’, do ‘large government organizations specializing in disease and death’ spring to mind? Hell, no. This wasn’t just a tongue-in-cheek article–this was just the first stage of public awareness for when, you know, all the face eating starts.

4. Facial Eating is on the Rise
 

A quick Google search on the words ‘face eating’ reveals 423,000,000 hits. A search on my new book “Bud the Crud” reveals four hits and three of them are related to some very lazy name calling. One has nothing to do with the other, I’m just venting.

At any rate, zombie attacks are on the rise. Whether it’s brain eating amoebae in Louisiana or face eating hobos in Miami, the hunger for flesh has never been higher. In fact, based on my non-existent research, I’d say we have reached the historical apex for zombie-related attacks. If only there was some kind of sign…

Every zombie movie starts in frighteningly similar fashion– a comet passes just a little to close to Earth, a toxic waste spill seeps into the water supply, a nuclear reactor goes up like a birthday cake, some weird military experiment goes awry, or maybe something demonic happens between a priest and a nun an unattended vat of holy water.

Having just learned that the internet contains other things besides porn, I turned again to Google for the top news stories:

1. Chelyabinsk meteor
2. Evidence for water on Mars
3. Syrian Civil War
4. Worldwide flooding
5. Resignation Of Pope
6. United States Ammunition Shortage

So there’s that. Natural disasters, civil war, lack of defenses, loss of religious leadership all leave us vulnerable and lost. Let’s toss in a possible alien discovery and a damn meteor and we’ve just given the Walking Dead four more seasons (or at least provided some more topics for the cast to discuss in the barn).

2. Preparation Drills are Already in Place
 

This line shows up in more zombie movies than the phrase ‘brains’ or ‘I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.” And it’s really a terrifying notion. What if the place where all the worst souls go was suddenly filled to the brim? What would happen? They would explode onto the whole damned world like a tsunami made up of nightmares and sodomy. But that could never happen here. Or could it?
 

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• Syco

  A buddy and I got good and drunk one night watching old Romeo movies and decided to try and figure out the best way to make something that resembles a zombie virus. We came up with a hybrid flu/rabies kind of bug. Maybe add a touch of hemorrhagic fever for good measure. But in the end, I doubt they would be “undead” in any sense of the word. Just highly infectious and mean as hell.

  Jun 1, 2016, 11:09 am 1 Reply