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Rebecca Halton > Former Adulteress Speaks: Jesus Doesn’t Ignore Us, So Why Does the Church?
I used to be the “other woman” in a married man’s affair.
But before you cringe and close this page, know up front that I’m not here to make excuses for my affair. Or anyone else’s for that matter. If you also hate what adultery does to people, you’ve found an ally who has been behind spiritual-enemy lines.
But there’s more to it: Not only was I in an affair – I was already a Christian before the affair began. Like, Christian-college-graduate Christian, who grew up in a “Christian” home.
I needed no convincing that adultery’s a sin. But in the years since, God’s been so good to give me revelation.
Now I better understand why I was vulnerable to making choices like those. That’s right, having an affair is a choice, not an accident. And it’s a choice most people don’t think they’re capable of making. (I know I sure didn’t think I was.)
It’s also a choice how the Church responds to believer and non-believer women – and men – who have been the “other” in a married-person’s affair. And I’m sad to say that the choices so far seem to be pretend, minimize, or marginalize.
To be fair, I haven’t done an exhaustive survey of Church programming. But since going public with my personal testimony in 2011, I’ve lost track of the times women have quietly thanked or confided in me – because they felt safer turning to me, a relative stranger – than coming forward in their own churches.
And for valid reasons: Their stories have been heartbreaking or infuriating.
One woman even shared with me privately that she felt like it would be easier or better if she had a drinking problem than an affair in her past. But whom did she mean it would be easier or better for – her, or her church?
Please let that sink in for a second: she basically wished she had been an alcoholic, instead of an adulteress so she could feel safer and more welcomed to come forward for help and support. And not just from anyone – help and support from the same people who claim to follow the same Jesus in John 8:1-11.
The same Jesus who came to redeem you from what your secret sin was – or is.
Church, what are we doing, that we have people – real people – preferring another sin or struggle in order to make their mess more palatable for our ministry? And when are we going to begin better acknowledging the “others” in affairs?
Are they not equally as in need of hope, healing, redemption, and support?
Hear me when I say that I’m not criticizing or questioning the need and value of marriage-related adultery counseling, resources, or events. In fact, I cherish the chances I’ve had to partner with marriage ministries.
But I am asking that we examine certain stereotypes we’re perpetuating and that we get honest about how we as the Body of Christ have been neglecting or shaming – however subtly – the “other woman” or “other man” in an adulterous relationship.
Remember: for each married adulterer or adulteress, another person was involved. Yet in ministry article after ministry article (sure, there are exceptions) there isn’t even a hint of that role, as if they’re not worth mentioning. Or worse, as if they deserve being ignored, marginalized, or minimized.
Marital restoration absolutely matters. I’m not questioning that. But I’m also not questioning the God-given value of the third person involved. I also believe we can minister more hope to the “other” without it subtracting from marriage ministries.
And it’s in our best interest, too! Think about it this way: isn’t a person with so much as a fractured finger less complete and more vulnerable? So are we, Body of Christ, less complete as long as we allow shame to bully others into shadows and silence
When it comes to adultery we need to take a stand, not keep our heads in the sand.
We can’t afford to keep excusing away our neglect. There’s too much at stake. In fact, in some cultures, so much as even a suggestion of adultery is still a matter of literal life and death.
I’ve seen it happen so often, that the majority of ministry articles I read are almost completely cliché now. Again, my intent is not to diminish their value, but after a while it’s difficult for me to distinguish one from the next.
Meanwhile, the Body is fractured (and God is as eager as ever to heal it).
There’s no question about it:
We need a more complete conversation about adultery, repentance, redemption, and hope. Including better resources for women and unmarried “others.” But there is a question as to whether or not we’ll have the courage and compassion to answer.
Knowing what I know now – yes, about adultery, but also about repentance and redemption – I truly hope so. I hope that we’ll not only answer it, but we’ll answer it without hesitation, without condemnation, and without qualification of who is more deserving of redemption (or not).
Today can be that day the new conversation begins. And today can be the day it starts with us.
Join me in the comments now:
Share your suggestions. Share your testimony. Share your heart. And perhaps most importantly, share God’s love and Christ’s hope.
Stay tuned for Rebecca’s followup blog post with practical changes churches can make.
Join the conversation About Rebecca Halton
Rebecca Halton is passionate about seeing people unshackled from shame – and reclaim the power their pasts have to glorify God, foil the enemy, and set others free. She also happens to be the author of Words from the Other Woman: The True Account of a Redeemed Adulteress, and loves connecting with readers through social media.
