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South Carolina Secedes from the Union – Again!
After 150 years of peaceful co-existence with the rest of the nation, South Carolina suddenly moved its state capitol back to the city of Charleston, then proceeded to "break all ties, diplomatic, economic, and otherwise, with the United States of America." The reasons given for this brazen act were: the increased tariffs on the exportation of cotton, the manipulated devaluing of Confederate currency by the Federal Reserve System, and the refusal of the Federal Highway Administration to name a section of I-95 after General John B. Hood. This stunning, defiant coup was accomplished by authority of the newly elected legislature, conducting its first official meeting in a downtown Belchin' Billy's family restaurant.
"With the takeover of Charleston just completed, we haven't had time to relocate to our new quarters yet," Senate Vice President James "Jimbo" Bailey replied when questioned about the odd choice of locations for such a monumental event. "We needed some place that would provide a fair amount of secrecy and not arouse too much suspicion. Besides, Billy's got the best eats around."
The entire legislative body was chosen via an internet ballot that claims to have had at least 38% of the state's population participate. When asked if he thought this was a legal election representing the true will of the people of South Carolina, Jimbo Bailey commented between bites of his Gristle Daddy Platter, "I got over 1159 total votes in that election, myself. Hell, that's more people than most towns around here can lay claim to." Doing a rather poor job of not gloating, Mr. Bailey continued, "The takeover of the capitol in Columbia was easy. We just announced that an audition for American Idol was being held in the building next door, then moved out of the way as the stampede went by. Governor Graft was the easiest capture; we grabbed him when he tried to get past one of our checkpoints while playing the air guitar and singing 'Highway to Hell' at the top of his lungs."
Governor Albemarle Graft was tarred and feathered in a public ceremony soon after. He was rescued by a passing group of Jews for Jesus and secreted to a hospital in Savannah where he is still not able to comment. Other legislators are being rounded up and meeting similar or worse fates.
Away from the relative calm interior of the eatery, another chapter in this dramatic story is unfolding. Reminiscent of 1861, federal buildings are being seized, the public arsenal has been raided, and several strip malls are now under Confederate control. Field pieces, unused since the Civil War, are being lubricated and repaired. Sandbag and mortar redoubts are being restored, leading most area residents to believe that a siege of Fort Sumter is imminent by week's end. "I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see some fireworks outta them boys soon," a local hardware retailer was quoted as saying. He confided in this reporter that recent sales of "ball and powder" had gone through the roof.
The South Carolina National Guard reports that local communications are being jammed by a modified Morse Code transmitter, and at least two spy drones have been downed by 10# cannon fire.
Tense squads of MP5 and M-16 toting Federal S.W.A.T. Teams and National Guardsmen are being kept at bay by intermittent musket fire while demonstrators revel to "Dixie", "Buffalo Gals", and a re-mixed CD of Lynryd Skynrd's greatest hits.
When asked about a naval assault to put down the impending rebellion, a spokesman for the Fleet Forces Command (on a guarantee of anonymity) replied, "We can't outshoot them and we are unable to use any submersible craft because we have received word from a very reliable source that the Merrimac has been raised and is patroling the area. These southern gentlemen have us absolutely stymied. This is not a stalemate; we are in check and about to forfeit this match. We're at a total loss."
United States Vice President Calhoun's only comment was to agree with the fact that Belchin' Billy's did, in fact, have the best eats in town.
While stymied, some in the federal government believe they are far from beaten. The FBI's HRT leads the psy-ops teams which are using graphic projected images of General Sherman cruising through downtown Atlanta in a panzer; and life-sized cardboard cut-outs of Robert E. Lee wearing a northern uniform can be seen at various locations around town. Even though these unconventional tactics have been combined with the blaring of rap music over massive loudspeakers, they seem to have no effect. This led one member of the HRT to comment, "Those Confederates can't be human; I curled up in the fetal position myself when they played that new song from Krak-hed and the Cillus. Whoever these guys are – they're loaded for bear, and they're playing for keeps."
Presidential press secretary, Mao Tse Goebbels, became visibly flustered when asked about the developing situation in South Carolina. After repeated questioning, he finally had to admit that several federal intelligence agencies were working feverishly to try to locate South Carolina on a map of the United States so they could assess the feasability of using undercover liaisons to "bring the rebels back in line." Commented Mr. Goebbels, "Every day, it seems, this young administration is faced with a new threat from some, before unheard of, terrorist or rogue state. It requires an inordinate amount of time to check these allegations. For example, we can only recently say with the utmost certainty that Saigon has indeed fallen to the North Vietnamese. We just do not have the manpower or budget to deal with all this crap."
Back at the restaurant, the rebels were asked if they thought they overreacted in their treatment of the Governor and several former state representatives. 167 year-old Senate President Wilbur Hoskins answered, "Hell no! We shoulda locked those carpetbaggers in the stocks, then hung 'em in the town square." The only man still living who was around during the original Civil War, Mr. Hoskins added, after praising the recent capture of Charleston, "I'll bet ole President Davis will send us the supplies we need now."
Jimbo Bailey contends it was not a mistake to elect Mr. Hoskins to the senate presidency. "We felt we owed it to him because of seniority, if nothing else. Although it is difficult to conduct meetings, because we can't seem to keep him awake for more than 20 minutes at a time."
Can the Union stay together in the face of this second secession? Will other states with their own axes to grind follow South Carolina's lead? We are determined to stay on top of these groundbreaking events as they continue to unfold.
