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“Frightening New EPA Regulations Will Go Into Effect After the Election” Cattle Exhaust,
Hugh Betcha/Stoos Views Exclusive: Satire
Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate and winner of the 2012 Environmental Reporter of the Year Award by Greenpeace, received a tip from his source inside the EPA that a draconian, and far reaching set of environmental regulations was about to be imposed on the American public—but which are being held in abeyance until after the election. What he learned was, to say the least, shocking.
In an effort to curb methane emissions from livestock who shamelessly pollute the air with their gaseous exhaust, endanger the ozone layer, melt the polar icecaps and raise the average ambient temperature of the planet by one one-thousandth of a degree per decade, the Environmental Protection Agency has proposed that the federal government impose a per head gas tax on cattle and other livestock. Until the E.P.A. implements such a rule, livestock remain free to pass gas without fear of federal intervention.
First, Hugh interviewed Ben Dover, President of Citizens Against Livestock Flatulence (C.A.L.F.), to get his perspective on the proposed regulation, which is said to be under consideration by Obama’s E.P.A. Administrator, Lisa Jackson. When asked about the regulation, Dover noted:
“I guess you can call it a different sort of gas tax—one that regulates methane gas emitted from the anal port of the livestock…gas that is literally ruining the planet. When you consider the hundreds of millions of cattle on the planet emitting gallons of methane every day, it is a wonder that we have any polar ice caps left at all.
According to the inventor of the internet, Al Gore—world’s leading expert on the environment and gas bag expert who has studied cattle emissions for twenty years—at the present rate of bovine emission, the seas will rise twenty feet due to the melting of the polar icecap, the Brazilian Rain Forest will be reduced by fifty percent and the ozone layer will largely disappear by the year 2016. The main culprit is cattle emissions and the uncaring farmers and ranchers so intent on making a profit that they allow their livestock to wander around eating vegetation and passing gas all day—totally unregulated by the federal government. We regulate factories, we pass standards for vehicles—it is high time that we tax the ranchers and farmers who allow this insidious pollution to ruin our planet.” As he wiped a tear from his eye, Dover added, “The image of a baby polar bear floating away on the one remaining ice floe, calling for his mother, while some stupid cow out in the Midwest chews grass and fluffs methane gas all day, is unthinkable.”
When asked whether the proposed plan would place an unfair burden on the farmers and ranchers who feed the nation and increase the price of beef and pork, Dover suggested that Americans quit eating beef and pork. “Let them eat tofu!” he replied. “If everyone would just try it, in time they would like it. Soybeans are the answer to our problems. Once we tax beef and pork production out of existence, and force the public to resort to healthier foods like tofu, bean sprouts and sea weed—foods that don’t pollute the planet—we will all be healthier and the air will be cleaner.”
Next, Hugh went right to the source—Lisa Jackson, Chief of the EPA to get her take on the cattle exhaust regulation as well as others. Jackson noted:
“As federal bureaucrats, we are always looking for ways to tax Americans and regulate their lives. This is a good way to raise money, clean the environment, and force Americans to change their diets—so it does a lot of good things. It is a win-win for the federal government and the consumer. After all, we know what’s best for the American people.”
When asked whether the new tax on cattle exhaust was the only option for the producers, she noted that the E.P.A. offers an alternative:
I hope this goes through. When people watch the price of beef skyrocket, they can’t eat, and ranchers can’t even have cattle without excess fines, that’s when the guns come out and we start killing everybody responsible. I hope this happens. They apparently don’t think these things through do they?