Online:
Visits:
Stories:

By Barking in the Dark
Contributor profile | More stories

Story Views
Now:
Last Hour:
Last 24 Hours:
Total:

Trump To Moderate Next Republican “debate”

Thursday, September 3, 2015 10:48

% of readers think this story is Fact. Add your two cents.

(Before It's News)

Donald Trump announced today that he will be moderating the upcoming Republican candidates debate on the Fox network. When reporters asked if this wasn’t a bit odd since he himself was still a candidate Trump replied; “Hey, that’s for me to know and you to find out. But just let me say this; (as he winked) I have lots of money – you can take it from there.”

Barking in the Dark has recently had the rare privilege of receiving an advance copy of the questions that moderator Donald Trump will be posing to the Republican candidates in their upcoming 2016 debate in Des Moines, Iowa. We received this list from someone close to the Trump organization and under a pledge of confidentiality…but since it wasn’t a pledge made to Grover Norquist we see no reason not to make these questions public. In the interest of being factual this is more Trump’s own “script”, including Trump’s “ad libs”, his seemingly off-the-cuff remarks, which will demonstrate how “quick” he is. And now Barking in the Dark is honored to present in its entirety, the un-edited, un-annotated, unexpurgated, script that The Donald wrote himself and will be using to moderate this upcoming Republican debate…incidentally, over their objections, the candidates have not received this script in advance. Here it is:

(DONALD: NOTE TO SELF – WAVE TO THE AUDIENCE AS YOU ENTER…SLOWLY, MAJESTICALLY, YET HUMBLY. APPEAR TO BE A “MAN OF THE PEOPLE”. YOU MAY SMILE – BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. AS YOU TAKE YOUR SEAT BEHIND THE MODERATOR’S DESK LOOK VERY THOUGHTFUL AND – THIS IS CRITICAL – WITH THE PROVIDED MONTBLANC EXECUTIVE PEN IN HAND ALWAYS APPEAR TO TAKE NOTES AS EACH CANDIDATE SPEAKS.

PAUSE, LOOK THOUGHTFULLY INTO CAMERA (NOW SMILE WARMLY AND SAY:)

Hello Des Moines,

(WAVE IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF WHAT WILL NO DOUBT BE AN INCREDIBLY HUGE AMOUNT OF APPLAUSE. KEEP SMILING THEN: TURN SERIOUS – WAIT FOR UNBELIEVABLY LOUD APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN.)
THEN SAY:

Candidates, Ladies and gentleman in the audience, and everyone watching out there in television land, and all over the world and the universe, I humbly welcome you all to this Fox TV Republican Presidential Candidates debate which I, Donald Trump – The Donald – (SMILE) – have the incredibly fabulous honor of moderating. So without further ado let’s get to my really important and unbelievably wonderful, and well thought out questions

My first question – and, by the way, I think it’s a terrific question – goes to my very dear friend Carly Fiorina. And may I say that I think we’d make an incredibly attractive ticket. I would love to have you…as my Vice-President I mean.(WINK, LAUGH)

(SMILE. WAIT UNTIL HUGE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING DIES DOWN)

Carly, honey, did you not read my terrific best-selling book The Art of the Deal only $12.95 at all book stores and online at Amazon.com?

(HOLD UP MY BOOK THE ART OF THE DEAL)

I have to ask because I have a feeling you couldn’t have since you ran Hewlett Packard into the ground. And, in a related question: wouldn’t you agree that my lovely wife Melania dresses beautifully…and by the way, (SMILE) I do help her pick out her dresses…so my other question to you is: Why do you think Melania dresses better than you? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF – LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER SHE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES – REMEMBER: ALWAYS LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

By the way…I can’t understand why people think I denigrate women – I think you look especially lovely tonight. (SMILE AND WINK). Hey, let’s meet later for a drink.

(WAIT FOR APPLAUSE AND CHEERING TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

This next question goes to my very dear friend the junior Senator from Texas Ted Cruz – Ted, I think we’d make an incredibly attractive ticket. And, I must say that you are looking very dapper in that (fill in appropriate color) tie…it looks like it’s from my fabulous Trump Collection at all better stores – it definitely looks smart enough to be one of mine. Anyway, Senator, since your lovely wife Heidi is head of the Southwest Region for Goldman Sachs my first question is this; why do you think my stock portfolio is bigger than your own? And, as a follow up question, do you think your wife’s jewels can rival those of my wife Melania. You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES – LOOK THOUGHTFUL AND WAIT FOR HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:

Thank you for that excellent answer Ted. The next question goes to my very dear friend Bobby Jindal – you know Bobby, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President. (SMILE WARMLY)

(WAIT FOR APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN)

Bobby, as I am sure you know, I have built the most fabulous Taj Mahal in Atlantic City which everyone agrees is one of the world’s great wonders. I would like to know – since your family came here from India – why you would agree with me that my Taj Mahal is far more unbelievably incredible than that other Taj Mahal in – I believe it’s called Agro? Anyway, no one I know has ever been there. Now, I understand you penned the book Leadership and Crisis…So, in a related question, why do you think that my fabulously successful and unbelievably great book The Art of the Deal…

(HOLD UP ART OF THE DEAL UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR QUESTION)

…will serve as a terrific blueprint for you? And, how many times have you gone to it for advice in your business dealings? Also, in another related question, Your mother, Savitri Jindal is reputed to be the world’s 56th wealthiest person. So how come she hasn’t got one single building with her name on it? You have – wow – where does the time go? – You have one minute to answer.

(NOTE TO SELF – LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES – REMEMBER: ALWAYS LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

Well…my son Donald’ Jr’s research says she is your mother. Anyway, thank you for that incredibly excellent answer. This next question is for my very dear friend Dr. Ben Carson. And Ben, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President. Ben, although we only ran into each other once in a hotel corridor for two and a half minutes, I feel we are incredibly close. As does my unbelievably handsome son Donald Jr. who is the executive Vice-President of The Trump Organization, and my incredibly fabulous beautiful daughter Ivanka who founded The Trump Hotel Collection. By the way, they both look a lot like me. Ben, your net worth has been estimated at somewhere between nine and ten million dollars…So my question is: Have you ever considered taking a permanent suite in Trump World Tower? And, as a follow up question when can I Montblanc you in for a tour of the available suites in Trump World Tower at 845 United Nations Plaza? And, for all of you watching this unbelievably fantastic event, the Trump World Tower phone number for sales and rental information is 212) 247-7000. You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF – LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES – REMEMBER: ALWAYS LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

Thank you Ben for that excellent answer to an even more excellent question.

My next well thought out question is for my very very dear friend Governor Rick Perry. Rick, as you know, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President. But, be that as it may – Governor – will you admit tonight in front of the millions watching this amazing historic event that it was me who kept pounding at the “birther” issue when you dropped the ball? I still have yet to see Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate. And, as a follow up question Governor, do you know anyone in your Texas circle of friends who knew him at Harvard? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES AS HE SPEAKS… LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

Thank you for that excellent answer to that VERY tough and probing question. This next question goes to my very, very dear friend Senator Rick Santorum. And Senator, I don’t say this kind of thing to anyone but, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President. Rick, it’s been said that you are virulently anti-gay, Can you tell me how any of my unbelievably fabulous Trump Hotels, like The Trump International Hotel and Tower Chicago at http://www.trumpchicago.com, or the colossally amazing Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City could put on one of their incredibly fabulous main room shows, or unbelievably great lounge shows, without the gays? Can you? Hmm? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: IF ANYONE IN THE DES MOINES CROWD BOOS OR HISSES JUST WAIT – THEN SAY:

WELL, YOU FOLKS CERTAINLY DO ENJOY ALL THOSE TV DANCING SHOWS – DON’T YOU? RIGHT? (BIG SMILE) THEN CONTINUE.)

Incidentally, the Trump Taj Mahal is at 1000 Boardwalk, Atlantic City, NJ 08401-7415, at Trumptaj.com or call (609) 449-1000 for rates and reservations. And, Senator, as a follow up question, without the fabulous help of the gays how do you suppose I’d be able to put on the incredible Trump Miss Universe, unbelievable Trump Miss USA, or huge Trump Miss Teen USA pageants? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES AS HE SPEAKS…LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

Thank you for that excellent answer Senator. My next very important and insightful question goes to my very dear dear friend Senator Rand Paul. Senator, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President, but, in view of your stance against universal health care, what do I tell all the wonderful middle age folk and senior citizens who absolutely flock to all my fabulous Trump properties? Now, before you answer, let it be said, some of these senior citizens have had on premises seizures – and, I might add; receive the best possible care from my on premises medical staff, although, it’s entirely possible that we just might be facing huge cutbacks in these health care services. You have one minute.

NOTE TO SELF: LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU LISTEN AND TAKE NOTES. WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

This brings me to the last question of the evening and again it goes to my very dear friend Senator Ted Cruz. Senator, did I say that I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President, but, regarding my wall – just how high can your people climb? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: LOOK EXTREMELY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS, AND TAKE NOTES AS HE SPEAKS… LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. AND ALL DURING THIS NEXT SPEECH HOLD UP MY TERRIFIC BOOK “THE ART OF THE DEAL” AND HOLD IT UP UNTIL THE END OF THE SHOW. NOW SAY:)

I wish each of you as much success as my wildly successful book “The Art of the Deal. Only $12.95 at all book stores and online at Amazon.com. Now – each of you will have one minute to summarize your positions. And, may I add that just as my wildly successful NBC shows The Apprentice, and The Celebrity Apprentice – check your local listings for date and time – you candidates are, in essence, auditioning for a position in the business of America. And – if we don’t like you we will all say –

(STAND UP, SMILE, AND WITH BOTH ARMS ETENDED REACH OUT TO TV AUDIENCE AND SAY:)

Come on, say it with me America… (CONDUCT THEM)

YOU’RE FIRED!

(LISTEN VERY THOUGHTFULLY TO ALL THE CLOSING SPIELS AS YOU TAKE NOTES – LOOK INTERESTED IN WHATEVER NONSENSE THEY SAY AND THEN WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

This brings to a close an amazing and enlightening evening of the Republican candidates for the highest office in the land debating the most important and pressing issues of our time. Issues I know all of you ordinary people out there in America are interested in hearing about. I know you’ll all agree with me that we all heard some excellent answers to some amazing, and fabulous questions tonight. I am Donald Trump. Goodnight, be well, and good luck.

(KEEP HOLDING UP BOOK. BIG SMILE. WAVE.)

(WAIT A BEAT THEN SAY)

Be watching next week when I will interview myself. I promise it will be huge. Check your local Fox TV listings for exact date and time.

(NOW GIVE THE CAMERA YOUR MOST INCREDIBLY SERIOUS LOOK AND HOLD EYE CONTACT – NO BLINKING HERE BIG DON – UNTIL STAGE MGR. YELLS “WE’RE OUT.”)

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Filed under: commentary, Humor, NEWS, satire, writing Tagged: Ben Carson, Bobby Jindal, Carly Fiorina, Donald Trump, Republican Debate, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Savitri Jindal, Ted Cruz Barking in the Dark is run by Tony Powers, a writer/actor/musician.