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Breaking News: Alice, Of Wonderland, Holds First Press Conference Calls U.s. An “asylum”

Tuesday, January 12, 2016 14:26
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(Before It's News)

Alice, who famously said in Alice in Wonderland, “it’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life,” today retracted that statement.

In a press conference held earlier on the lawn of The Mad Hatter’s summer home in Amagansett, Long Island, Alice declared, “after experiencing the current political state of affairs in America, and, after witnessing first hand this thing you have here called – and here she made the air quotes gesture – The Tea “Party,” and also the Republican “Party,” I can now safely say, without fear of contradiction, that I spoke way waaay too soon.”


Teaparty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When reporters pressed her to elaborate on her statement Alice said, “This “tea party” you are currently having is really, by far, the stupidest party evertea or otherwise! Your “tea party” is a party filled with boobs of all types such as this Ted Cruz ghoul, this Ted Yoho moron and this nutcase Sarah Palin. You folks at this “party” have no clue as to which end is up, on which side your bread is buttered, and how green your own grass is. Nor do you have even the foggiest notion. Your conversation is untethered to reality at best and dim-witted at worst – and, you serve the worst processed foods as well. Who on earth but an idiot thinks Velveeta and Cheez Whiz are foods? Why, they can’t even use the word “cheese” for gosh sakes because this stuff is made out of old 45’s! Get a clue people!””

Alice took a sip of tea and continued, “I have spent the last 30 odd years observing America’s condition – and odd is quite a fitting word indeed. It seems to me that 80% of your country’s citizens are either ill-informed, non-informed, uneducated, or so financially pressed as to be all-consumed by the day-to-day task of merely putting food on table – or roof over head. Which is the condition that this Republican Party – and there’s an oxymoron – this is the condition that this “party” of mirthless drears wants these citizens in while they cheat and rob them blind. This 80% – yes, maybe even you, are gullible, resigned to your lot, unquestioning, and just plain disgusted, and thus have abdicated all power to these weasels, and, most distressingly, all power to reason. And, most sadly, all ability to connect the dots of your lot to a bunch of lying bloodsuckers wearing red ties and flag pins.

The terrible thing is; almost half of you in the 80% manage to vote – and because you are so ill-informed, so stupid, and so easily misled by Fix News, you continue to elect the very same fools that have, in the first place, caused the calamity that is your existence. And, except for the 1% who are doing the misleading – the remaining 19% of you who do know which end is up are left to live with the moronic voting decisions of this imbecilic 80%.”

Alice was on a roll; “Which brings me to this 1% – this odious bunch that I still do not count as culpable as I do the sheepish 80% among you. This 1% is so transparently vile in their greed and wanton destructiveness as to amaze that anyone in their right mind believes anything that any of this bunch utters. You actually have this performing seal Donald Trump and this vile vampire Ted Cruz standing as candidates for the Presidency of your country?? You people are insane! This is undeniable proof that my Wonderland is a haven of sanity compared to the asylum you call your country.

Allow me to explain something to you – please. This 1% cannot help being greedy. It is their nature to make 10 million dollars, keep eight-an-a-half of it, and decry the fact that someone living on a pension – which they have paid into all their working life, is getting an entitlement! They scream “socialism!This, while taking millions in a government bailout of their banks and while their corporations pay little or no taxes on their billions in profits. It is the very nature of these people to be selfish, win-at-all-cost, and unwilling to even consider that their actions might adversely affect the majority of your country.

And, these people, this 1%, have systematically set about to destroy government. Take, for example, this disgusting excuse for a human Grover Norquist who famously crowed “”My goal is to cut government in half in twenty-five years, to get it down to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub.” Oh yes, and along with it will go your food protections, air quality, mail service etc. All, and any, regulations that may keep him and his fellow far right-wing criminals from robbing you blind. This, so they can then point their bony fingers and say; “See? Government doesn’t work! We told you it didn’t!” This is exactly what the Republicans did to The Affordable Care Act, which they then caused to be re-named Obamacare – so as to be more able to denigrate it. Their selfish legislative demands crippled and watered down this noble act at birth and now they point fingers and bray that it is badly conceived.”

Alice took another sip of tea; “Yet, I understand the pathology of these people. At bottom, they haven’t a trace, a whit, a speck, of the empathy most “normal” humans possess, nor do they possess a conscience. They believe with all their cold hardened hearts – and, I’m being generous here in granting them such an organ, however iced over – they believe that they are the center of the universe, and that they are therefore certainly more important than anyone else. They do not posses a sense of the cosmic connection of all life. They do not believe in, or are even aware of, the concept of Karma. They are not, in any remote way, philosophers. They are here to amass. To judge. To wield power. And you, yes you, are in their way -unless, of course, you can be used.

So them I understand.”

She took another sip of tea and continued; “Who, and what, I do not understand, are you in the 80% who have lived through the failures of the policies of this 1% (of course, the 1% would say that their policies have been most successful –wouldn’t they?). And, having lived through Reagan, and Nixon, and witnessed the actions of Agnew, and Kissinger, and Bush 1, and Bush 2, and Rumsfeld, and Rove, and Cheney, and now Scalia, and Thomas, and Norquist, and Gingrich, and Santorum, and Bachmann, and Romney, and still Rove, and Cruz, and Palin, and still Santorum, and now the scowling mean-spirited Cruz and the whorish clown Trump, and on and on and on…and you still believe in these people??

And, after witnessing how they bust your unions – because unions threaten the robber baron rich by keeping workers united and thus are able to collectively bargain for a fairer share for the worker – so they must be busted – and you still believe? And, seeing how this 1% is attempting successfully to disenfranchise you – to take away your very right to vote – you, the majority of the 80%, still vote for these liars, these greedy self-servers, these callous uncaring criminals who blatantly lied you into a war on an innocent country – which bankrupted your treasury- causing you to lose your jobs and homes?

And the Mad Hatter is crazy?

You still believe the words and the by now proven to be empty promises of the 1% rather than their actions. Still believe their words, and their promises, instead of your own eyes, and your experience. You still believe in what has repeatedly failed to work. You still believe the fairy tale – which, laughably, none of us who actually live in a fairy tale believe – that one day, just like them, you too shall be wealthy, because the 1% – who never gives anything away – is going to make it possible for you to be so. My friend, you are certifiable!

Yes, my friends – this America of yours is what I find to be the true Wonderland, the true land down the rabbit hole. I would sooner trust Tweedledum and Tweedledee to run Wonderland than this carnival barker Trump, this bloodless ghoul Cruz, or any Republican – anywhere.”

The Mad Hatter leaned over and whispered something into Alice’s ear. Alice smiled and said, “my friend the Mad Hatter wanted you all to understand that at least his craziness had a good reason – mercury poisoning – but, other than sheer breathtaking stupidity, you people have no such valid excuse for your lunacy.

And now I should like to enjoy some real tea.”

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012, revised 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Filed under: commentary, Humor, Presidential Politics, satire Tagged: Alice in Wonderland, Donald Trump, Tea Party, Ted Cruz, The Mad Hatter, The Republican Party Barking in the Dark is run by Tony Powers, a writer/actor/musician.


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