How To Get Past A Devastating Breakup
Ten Things To Do After A Breakup To Get On With Your Life:
1. Know that grieving someone and missing them does not necessarily mean you want them. It means you hurt because you’ve had a loss. Perhaps that loss is the best thing but it’s still a loss. Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve any loss…even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is “review and relinquishment” where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately this review comes in the form of having the ex on your mind constantly. It’s a “working through” and it doesn’t mean you’re not going to get over it, or that you still love the ex. It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it.
2. Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it. You don’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person. Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will TEMPORARILY alleviate the pain or take your mind off the pain you’re in. But it’s not really alleviating it. It’s just postponing the inevitable. The emotions of grief are anger, pain, confusion, searching, pining and anxiety. There is a roller coaster ride of confused emotions before you end the process. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you think you are done and then you recycle. It’s normal. You’re not doing anything WRONG. Trust the process.
And remember this is about YOU. This is your work and your “getting over it.” Detach from the ex and what he or she is doing. It’s none of your business and what you are doing is none of their business. It’s hard but don’t text, don’t call, don’t email, don’t send “jokes” or chain emails or funny emails and if they send them ask them nicely to stop. Just don’t communicate.
3. Try not to date or get into another relationship right away. It’s tempting but know that another relationship is not going to help until you get over this one. Everyone does the “rebound” relationship once or twice in their life but it’s usually not the best thing. When that ends, you might have two relationships, instead of one, to get over.
4. Journal. Pour your heart and soul into a journal. Write letters to your ex in the journal. BUT DO NOT SEND THEM. Write down the things you wish were different…the things you’re angry about and hurt about…write down the things you would like to be forgiven for…write down any significant statements you’d like to make…work on the letter a little every day…pour your heart out. When you are getting to the end of the lists, write a letter to the ex asking for forgiveness for what you did, forgiving them for what they did and again DON’T SEND IT but read it out loud to a friend or a therapist. Then burn the letter. Rituals like this help you move on. This is about YOUR closure and you moving on. It is NOT about them.
5. Take a relationship inventory. Write down all the pros and cons of the relationship. All the good points and bad points of your ex. All the highs and all the lows.
Look at it as objectively as you can……Use this breakup as a LEARNING experience. LEARNING ABOUT YOU. Ask these questions:how this person was like other people you had unsuccessful relationships with…what does this say about you? What early warning signs did you ignore? Why did you ignore them? What will you do next time if the same early warning sign comes up? What do you need to work on in you and in your past? Is this person like a parent? What unresolved issues with your parents or early caretakers (could be teachers or older siblings) are playing themselves out in your life? What do you need to look at/ work on? How did you get into it? What unmet needs of yours were running the show? What does that say about you? How can you avoid this in the future? What work needs to be done?
