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Lessons From 2014: To Be On Top Of Things
The first half of the year, I was learning something very important:
What it feels like for absolutely everything to be okay. When life is working, friends are abundant, health is better than normal, basic material concerns are covered, and your life has purpose– LIFE IS VERY GOOD.
It wasn't the first time life has lined up so perfectly. However, it was the first time things were going well and I felt like I had my own shit together completely. I was patient, calm, confident, mature, and ready to take those last few steps to fix all that was left in my life that might have been holding me back. I can't tell you what that combination of circumstances feels like unless you've been there. To feel strong in myself at the same time life was going my way was a remarkable feeling. Months of this kind of stability felt so good, and I was moving forward with all kinds of plans.
In addition, as if that wasn't wonderful enough, I was feeling a great deal of satisfaction for having reached at last a long list of goals that I set out for myself and my husband several years ago. Things having to do with a rural lifestyle, prepping, and creating a strong community and fomenting better relations with the best of my friends around the country. The glow of pride was so very precious to me, and I wore that well-earned pride with much gratitude– an emotion that isn't easy for me to relax into (if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll know what I mean).
Misfortune and assholes abound of course– so even as I basked a bit in 'the good life' I knew I had to appreciate it as the short-term blessing that it was. I really felt okay with whatever was coming next, though, because between my personal accomplishments and prolonged good luck I felt that I had built up my defenses and healthy coping mechanisms to the extent I would not be brought down so easily again.
And that showed a bit of hubris on my part it seems.
Unfortunately, the second half of the year promised some massive disruptions that stole my new found sense of security right out from under me…
That will be my next blog post, though. For now, my point is that those months of feeling good: strong, proud, successful, appreciated, and secure at least for a while– incentivized me to find a way to get back to that point!
I am so tired of feeling neglected, vulnerable, lost, and scared!! Having a period of my life without those nearly-constant negative emotions was SO good for me. I am very efficient and compassionate, I have discovered, lacking any remaining bitter cynicism, when I am in such a healthy place. I felt in so many ways as if I had arrived at last upon what adulthood is supposed to be about. I felt like I could relax a little about the future and about my own abilities to meet that future.
I want it all back. I want to feel like I own myself and the life I've built around me again very soon.
In 2014, I discovered the point of it all this life stuff!! I know what I need, and what I want– and deserve!– to have. I am very grateful for the lesson, and I don't intend to ever let go of that desire to have a basically satisfying life again.
Source: http://lucretiasheart.livejournal.com/1095901.html
