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God Reports More Than 50 Million Souls Lost In Last Financial Year – “More Than Just Collateral Damage”
(HEAVEN). God, current CEO of Heaven and Chairman of All Boards, stunned the business and theological worlds on Friday as He admitted larger than expected losses in His multi-millennium investment in humanity.
“Back to Agriculture – rebuild the Garden”
In a tablet revealed to profit-sharing share-prophets, God conceded that Heaven had seen an operating loss of more than 50 million souls in the last financial year, a situation he described as “meshuggah”.
Speaking in tongues to the press this morning, God shrugged, obliterating the thriving planet of Xthar in the Horsehead Nebula, before admitting that His investments were struggling.
“I’m totally in the red on humanity,” He said. “I don’t want anybody freaking out or anything just yet, but I’m not gonna lie here: if things don’t improve, I might have to start downsizing some major theological doctrines.”
Analysts confirmed that The Lord God Almighty, who created cosmos as a small startup in His garage 14 billion years ago, has seen a sharp decline in market share over the last few decades.
“Back in the day, marketing was a breeze,” He said. “Or a high wind. Or a plague of locusts or a genocide of first-born sons. But these kids with their iPads, they’re a whole lot harder to impress. Mysterious ways combined with sporadic acts of extreme and random violence just aren’t cutting it any more.”
Tip ‘o the hat to Aden Hinds & Third Ear Music, “South Africa” 
