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How to survive a zombie apocalypse
HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Okay, it's the end of the world. Hell is full and the dead walk the earth. No really, flesh eating zombies are lumbering around biting folks and creating more zombies. The first thing you need to do is realize this. If you look out your window and see your neighbor chewing on the flesh of the local mailman…lock your door .It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to watch a few George Romero films… but you might not have the time.
Here's what you need to know. Zombies are dead or undead. The only way to kill them is to destroy their brain. They are usually slow and only want to eat you. If they bite you, you will die and become a zombie. You have to kill them which is strange because they are already dead. You have to destroy their brain or cut off their head .Shoot them, stab them just take out their brain.
Now you know. So arm yourself with whatever you have and head to Wal-mart, wait…first go to a gun shop. When you get there, convince the gun shop owner that you are not a zombie. Talk to him about the 2nd amendment .If that doesn't work…tell him you have a MasterCard.
Once inside, he will ask you " What's going on out there? ".Tell him it's Al-qaeda. Tell him it's Eric Holder. Tell him we are being invaded by China or Iran .Make him understand that people need to be armed. Whatever you do, you must leave there with a carload of guns and ammo. On to Wal-mart.( Because it has everything ).
Run over any zombies on your way and when you get there go to the Tire Lube Express. Park your vehicle inside the TLE. Kill any zombies that are present. Pull the bay doors down and lock them. Why does this sound like a video game walkthrough?
If you see any living people, tell them Al-qaeda wants our Wal-mart and we must protect it. Give them weapons and make your way to the front doors, killing Al-qaeda on your way. The door greeter is going to want to see your receipt, unless he is undead. Either way, kill him ( Just kidding ).Disable the automatic doors and lock them.
Tell any living person you see to go get the guns and ammo from the TLE. Find the manager and show him the zombies. Point if you have to. If all else fails, show him your MasterCard. Go through the Wal-mart and kill all of the zombies and all of those that are infected .Dispose of the bodies via trash compactor or throw them off the back side of the building.
You now have a safe place to wait out the zombie apocalypse .You have enough food to last for months. You have everything you need. Keep your wits and take care of yourself. Make a huge banner that says " 911 was an inside job! " and drape it over the front of Wal-mart. Yes ,i know that the zombies can't read and they won't get it. You should do it anyway. Just on principle.
If off in the distance, you see black helicopters, remove the banner and replace it with one that says " Mission accomplished ".When the helicopters land on the roof, talk to the FEMA agents. They will tell you that they have a safe place that they can take you to. Don't go. Only zombies go to FEMA camps.
I'm sure that one of the FEMA agents will try to tell you that they have a vaccination for the zombiefacation. The cure was the cause of the virus. It created the pandemic. So you should tell them no .They are going to want you to inform them of anybody who is against socialized health care …I mean zombies. They are going to pull out a GPS device and ask you how many people live at the Wal-mart and how many times you flush your toilet. At this time you should introduce them to your 12 gauge pump and send them on their way.
The military will finally show up and take out all the American terrorists, or what they will call zombies. They will take out all the people who talk about brains. They will kill all the people who have brains. You are going to need an intrusive I.D. card that will identify you as non-undead. There is no reason for this because all of the zombies are gone or maybe they never existed to begin with.
You play along because at least you are not living at the Wal-mart. You have been through so much and you are tired. You just want to live and be left alone. They want to make sure that you are not Al-qaeda,…i mean a zombie. It's an office visit…It's okay… It's an RFID chip. It's the patriot act. It's trading freedom for safety.
You say no. You network. You talk about the zombie apocalypse. You re-arm yourself and inform the public. You find out that all of the politicians have become vampires and they had their mad scientists create the zombies and you find out that they are working on an invisibility potion for the constitution.
You and your fellow survivors march on capitol hill with pitchforks and torches. You arrest the monsters and put them in prison. You restore the republic to what it was before the bloodsuckers, the bankers and the walking dead. There is liberty and prosperity again. you live your life as a free person but you are always watching out for the next zombie apocalypse.
