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Bureaucratic Relief on its Way
An experimental drug was released today amid much fanfare from the medical community. The research into the medication was prompted and sponsored by the federal government in order to address a condition commonly known as BBC (Bureaucratic Brain Constipation).
"As a larger segment of our population becomes employed by some division of government every year, the medical community has found itself dealing with an alarming increase in BBC cases," stated Dr. Hemlock Foxglove, head of research and development for Chem-ingest, Inc. His comments came during the pharmaceutical convention where the new drug, Cranium Plunger, was unveiled. "Bureaucratic regulations, standards, and endless rote enfeeble the human brain, rendering it incapable of processing information that does not fall within the strict parameters with which it has been ingrained. Any incomputable data encountered by such a brain most commonly results in an acute, yet mild interruption of basic neurological functions. Although, later studies have shown that chronic and excessive exposure to bureaucratic nonsense produces blockage in the frontal lobes which results in a corresponding suppression of an individual's ability to cope with foreign data and stimuli in a rational manner."
"The symptoms of BBC vary greatly in both type and severity," Dr. Foxglove continued. "IRS agents continually complain of migraines as they attempt to sort through a daily barrage of erroneously filed and incorrectly completed forms. In one extreme case, an agent with twenty-three years of service was found comatose in his cubicle as he waded through a corporate return that had been haphazardly filled out by a business owner who could not afford his accountant any longer."
It also seems apparent that pencil-pushing desk-jockeys are not the only victims of this debilitating condition. Another reported incident involved a lifelong employee of a municipal recycling center who hospitalized an elderly woman by beating her with a rake after she accidentally deposited a plastic milk carton in a "cardboard only" bin.
"After daily picking their way through the vast number of asinine, confusing, and oft times conflicting rules and regulations inherent within any bureaucracy, these maze-locked minds do not have the capacity to comprehend or accept any deviation from their deeply entrenched programming," insisted government attorney, Rudolf Hessteinskovsky, during his successful defense of the recycling center employee. (It seems the poor elderly lady lost any and all standing with the court when the judge discovered that all the bins in the recycling yard were clearly marked). "These people are not capable of 'thinking outside the box' – they are part of the box," he stated emphatically in his closing argument.
With more and more judges agreeing with the defense that bureaucrats are not responsible for their actions due to circumstances beyond their control, it seems that Cranium Plunger may be the only current, viable option to arrest this growing epidemic. But according to its accompanying literature, this untested drug comes to its victims with a long list of possible side effects – ranging from embarrassing mucus secretions to instant death.
This reporter would like to suggest that the only long-term solution to this self-created problem would be for the government to release its millions of unnecessary employees, sever their pensions after one year, and deny them unemployment benefits. This would immediately relieve their symptoms by removing the antagonisms of bureaucratic existence, and still give them a full twelve months to become a productive member of society by actually developing a good or service of inherent value that can be exchanged in the marketplace.
