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Facts? We Don’ Need No Stinkin’ Facts!
From yesterday’s New York Times: “Then during the second general election debate, Candy Crowley, then a CNN correspondent drew the ire of Republicans by fact-checking Mitt Romney in real time on live television.”
Republicans all over the country were up in arms as the hour for last night’s Republican Presidential candidates’ debate drew closer.
Said County Republican Chairman Harley Rae Bob Jimmy Joe Flemm of Fetid Hole Hollow Mississippi; “mah daddy tol’ me facts is jes’ thangs that’s gits in da way of da truth.”
He paused to take a sip of Mountain Dew then continued; “it is absoid to boiden dese good folk who are runnin’ fer da mos’ hahest office in the woild wit’ such picayune thangs as dese he-ah so-called facts (he made the air quotes sign.) Dese he-ah so-called facts ain’t nuthin’ but some lib’ral commie talkin’ points dat the Democrat pahty uses ta scay-er us good God fearin’ folk lak mah constituents back dey-er in da holler.”
He continued: “Whah, take fer instance dis he-ah myth dat da globe is a-warmin’ – it wuz thoity-two degrees heahabouts yessaday – so dis is jes’ some nonsensical pah-in-da-skah folderol dreamed up by a buncha pinko so-called scientists in they-er own seff-inneress so’s dey’d have sumptin’ ta do when deys ain’t out moiderin’ lil’ baby fetuses ‘n such .
He paused to take a chaw out of the tin in his pocket and push it into his mouth. Then he went on; “As a mattuh of fact heh heh heh…Ah would venture to say dat facts are as useless as tits on a Texas bremmer.” Asked what a “bremmer” was he said; “a bremmer – a bremmer bull – don’ ya’ll unnerstayan’ Amurican?”
Now dis heah dee-bate dat’s a-comin’ up he-ah; dese good folk’re da fahnest people da Ree-publican pahty can mustah…bah fah. Ah have poissonally met all-a dese fahn folk an’ not a one o’ dem did not have a Amurican flag pin in they-er lapel…which jes’ goes ta show ya. Do Ah need ta say mo-ah?”
Asked who he thought was the favorite for tonight’s debate and in the upcoming Presidential election Congressman Flemm paused and then offered; “Ya know…Ah laks dem all an’ Ah think we should be allowed as Amurican citizens to go into dat dere votin’ booth an’ cay-ast ou-ah vote fo-ah all of ‘em. An’ Ah foimly believe dis.” When reporters gently reminded the Congressman that the vote did not work that way, that it was one man, one vote, Congressman Flemm replied: “Den bah God in heaven we oughta change dis he-ah crazy law – an’ Ah will propose dis on da flo-ah of da House foist thang too-morrow. Ah nevah hoid-a such nonsense dat dis one man, one vote thang was a untouchable law or whatevah it is. An’ all-a mah eight sisters, ten bruthas, seventeen cousins, twenny two aunts, thoity three uncles ‘n all-a mah kin in da holler an’ fo-ah miles aroun’ bin votin’ lak dat fo-ah yeahs.”
After a bit of a stunned silence a reporter finally said “Congressman Flemm, are you saying that you and all of your relatives have voted more than once for the same candidate in an election?” The Congressman was quick to respond: “Ah nevah said no such-a thang an’ you can quote me on dis.”
He spit into his cup and continued; “whut Ah ay-am is da very embodiment of ou-ah Ree-publican ah-deal. Ah am a public soivant who knows how to git hisseff ee-lected – an’ mo-ah impotently – ree-elected fo-ah goin’ on thoity three yee-ahs now.”
Seeking to change the course of the press conference a reporter asked Congressman Flemm; “Congressman, what is the platform that keeps you getting re-elected?
Flemm smiled; “Dat’s mah lil’ secret, but Ah will tell all-a ya’ll dat Ah will not allow any gays ta git hitched in Mississippi ovuh mah dead body an’ Ah mos’ definitely say build dat wall ‘n keep all-a dem lil’ brown Mexes outta mah country. Ah also foimly believe in da Bahble – da Good Book is all we need ta heal us bah it’s etoinal love. ’N also we haffta bomb da bejeezus out-a dem Eye-ranians.
Asked about Planned Parenthood, Cong. Flemm said; “Mah pappy ‘n Mammy dint need no Planned Parenthood ta raise eighteen chillun. An’ when mah bruthas Cletus Ray Willie Jim ‘n Jethro Jackie Johnnie Bill married mah sistuhs Jenny Clara Bobbi Jo ‘n Sally Mae Billie Bob dey dint need no Planned Parenthood hooey ta hep ‘em figger out how ta bring up dere twenny-one chillun eithah. Planned Parenthood indeed…Mah mammy ‘n pappy jes’ stopped havin’ babies col’ on dere own ‘cause dey ran outta names.”
He spat into his cup. “Now Ah consider mahseff as your typical godden variety God-fearin’ consoivative Ree-publican. An’ as such Ah will say dat whut dis he-ah country needs is a Ree-publican in da What House – bad. Now don’ all-a ya’ll ask me whah ‘cause Ah jes’ cain’t eggsplain whah…Ah jes know deep in mah heart dat we do. Mebbe it’s because da Democrat pahty is a Godless, commie-pinko bunch-a Socialist immigrant lovin’ peaceniks crazy enuf not ta bomb ‘n kill anyone we wanna jes’ because.”
He then proceeded to excuse himself explaining; “Ah need to git to the Chinks befo-ah dey close ta pick up mah sheets for tonight’s meeting.”
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content
Filed under: Cautionary tale, Humor, NEWS, satire, writing Tagged: Immigrants, Planned Parenthood, religious right, Republican, Republican Debate 
Barking in the Dark is run by Tony Powers, a writer/actor/musician.
Source: http://barkinginthedark.com/2015/09/17/facts-we-don-need-no-stinkin-facts/
