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Another Call From Headquarters

Saturday, October 31, 2015 14:46

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(Before It's News)

Reince, Reincela baby…honey…Joey Goebbels here und Ich gotta tell ya zat der big guy in Bavaria iss chumping up und down today mitt schadenfreude zat you volks in your verruckt loony-toony party are blaming der “liberal media” for, for — entschuldigen Sie, bitte…ya gotta excuse for eine second because Ich am laughing meine hoden off…you are blaming der “liberal media” for your insane ferruckt nutsiness. Vell done…zis iss zo right outta meine Josef Goebbels playbook – play number drei – vich verked like eine charm in der mitte 1930’s – eine end run around der facts – zat you are to be avarded der Bavarian Cross tomorrow. (listens) Nein, nein, vee vill Fedex it to you. Chust don’t vear it in public, ja?

(Listens)

Ja, und alzo Adolf vants to know if zat schon Frau Fiorina vould like a stoßtruppee uniform or vould she maybe prefer eine Luftwaffe one?

(Listens)

Ja, she vould look sehr sexy in eine gestapo trenchcoat – ser niedlich…like eine cutey knödel mitt eine azzault veapon ja? Hey, Reincela, sveetie – don’t get me all verked up bitte, ja?
Hold zee line for eine sec… Ich vanna ask der Big Guy who he likes in der race.

(Listens)

Adolf says ziss Herr Carson is eine batshit verruckt, ein kompletter idiot. Und ziss is sehr high praise to come from him.

(Listens)

Ja, chust keep repeating alles der lies over und over because you are dealing mitt eine bunch of verklemmt brain-dead morons, und zey vill beliefe anysing you zay ass long ass you keep zaying it over und over und over…und zen over. You could tell zeess idioten woters in Kansas und Visconsin und Sous Carolina zat zer mutter iss zer fazzer und zey vould beliefe it if you say it again und again und zen again – aber mitt eine face zat iss straight. Und Ich knows zat all zees candidates are sehr gut at ziss lyink mitt der face zat iss not crooked sing.

(Listens)

Ja…He iss effective – Aber ziss Trump monkey is alzo hilarious. Adolf vants Trump to built for him Der Incredibly Huge und Fabulous Trump Berchtesgaden, und he can plaster his – pardon my Yiddish und don’t tell Adolf – farshtinkener name all over it too. Und he says he vishes he could haff been on Der Apprentice – he says zey share der zame zense of humor und he’s goink to audition for Der Apprentice 3.

(Listens)

Vat are you vorried for? Ve are geld. Chust keep blaming der Choo liberal press for—

(Listens)

—Reincey… baby…Trust us…WW2 vass chust a little glitch. Adolf knows vat verks…So ve add der Yuden to it, Ja? Ve all know zat zey are to blame for everysing, nein? Und all der low I.Q. woters – vich iss most of zem between der coasts — Ich mean, zey elected der baboon Bush twice ja – alles zese idioten woters resent der Yuden for zat zey are sinking zat zey are sehr shmarty in der pants. Zo zese imbeciles need somevone to blame for der colossal mess zat zey caused in der first place by electing such putzes, und so ve srow to zem Der Yuden und ve get elected a new putz, ja? Business as usual.

(Listens)

Und alzo shtart blaming the immigrants for taking all der jobs – und der coloreds for takink all der food shtamps und der velfare – aber ve know it ist mostly der poor vites who are doink zis.

(Listens)

Ja…Chrystie iss eine nummer eins schon bullshitter mitt all zose whacky stats zat have no connection to wirklichkeistreu. Aber, ve do not deal in reality, ja? Hahaha…Und he must keep up ze gut verk. Oh…und Adolf vants Ich should tell you zat he luffs Herr Cruz. He iss sayink all day zat he und Herr Cruz see eye to eye on der gays…oh – vich reminds me – Adolf vants to sank you for der lovely gown which he iss goink to wear to der next Naughty Nazis on Parade Ball.

(Listens)

Ja, it vass sehr gut of Herr Lindsey Graham to model it for us. Adolf really likes zat der color blau matches his augen. Gotta scoot now, meine new young private just came home. Keep up der wunderbar Republican bullshit – und heil you-know-who.

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Filed under: Humor, NEWS, Presidential Politics, satire, writing Tagged: Berchtesgaden, Donald Trump, Gay rights, Reince Priebus, Republicans, Ted Cruz Barking in the Dark is run by Tony Powers, a writer/actor/musician.