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Burnt. But bouncing back.
I flipped through the calendar yesterday and realized I have an endo appointment and the accompanying A1c test in just three shorts weeks from now. And my reaction to that was somewhere along the lines of “fudge.” Except replace “fudge” with a totally different word that starts with “f” and you get the general idea.
Why the call for curse words? Because I just don’t feel like I’ve been on track with my diabetes for the past few months. And the worst part? I feel kind of “meh” about the whole thing right now. I haven’t been correcting highs diligently, I’ve sampled all sorts of delicious summer foods recently (hello Bar-B-Que season!), and our two week road trip included erratic schedules, heavy meals and mild to moderate amounts of wild abandon that didn’t include too many glucose checks.
We all know when we haven’t been putting in the effort we should. But throughout my life, my levels of diabetes motivation have dipped and peaked. Certainly I have always cared about my future health on a big picture level. But I’d be lying if I said I always gave a 100% with my diabetes management. And right now, I’m plowing through a little diabetes burnout. You know the feeling: the meter being on the table a few feet from you just seems waaaaay to far to get up and test. You see a 155mg/dL and you don’t correct it. You don’t look up the carb counts for the burger you got at the drive through some 12 hours into your road trip because damnit, you just want to have your lunch and be done with it.
Trouble is, just like small positive changes can add up to some big improvements, ignoring little things can have that same cumulative effect. I think for me right now, my issue is that I’m a bit distracted in my life. My job is up in the air since my company got bought out, our road trip was a pleasant distraction from all the news at work, and today I’d rather be online finding wedding planning inspiration than changing my pump (which has been beeping at me for like, four hours already….wearing this one down to the last unit of insulin).
At the end of the day though, none of those distractions is more important than my health. And in fact being in good health is what allows me to work, travel, get married – everything. What’s tough with diabetes is that it truly falls on you to make it happen. No one can test your blood sugar for you (actually my fiance will tell you different – he’s checked mine quite a few times – also sometimes I ask him to “bolus me” when I’m driving and I always crack up when he plugs in the numbers on my pump controller and then points it at me like a remote control until the bolus signal goes through. Digression.), and no one can make your food or exercise choices for you. I think that diabetes burn out often comes from the simple fact that we as people with diabetes make a kazillion choices everyday and it gets exhausting.
Alas, the A1c is the proof in the pudding, and it’s unavoidable. Accountability is the reason I both love and hate that test. So if this one comes back not exactly where I want it, my challege will be to use that as inpiration to make the next one better. Time to take a little inspiration from the Olympics and focus in!
2012-07-31 21:00:12
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