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Not Expecting a Reply ….Part 2,895,004
I know that the people who really need this information will never reply, never change, never even know I’m doing this in order to keep from committing general mayhem……but at least it keeps me out of jail.
Dear Gun Club Member’s spouse–
I greatly appreciate your prompt payment of your spouses annual dues. I would request one slight favor; please actually include your husband’s name on the check. Between separate bank accounts and on-line bill paying systems that use your name; sometimes it is difficult to associate Jane Doe with the correct “First Name” Doe.
Dear Hotel Guest down the hall –
I really appreciate the technological marvel you are using for an alarm clock. The level of sound achieved by that portable device is absolutely astounding. I didn’t appreciate hearing it at 3:30 a.m. two out of the four nights at the hotel. I did marvel at your ability to sleep though 15 or 20 minutes of it after the rest of us on the floor was roused by it.
Dear Fellow Commuter –
You don’t know me. You don’t know that I habitually get to the office at least 30 to 60 minutes prior to the start of my work day. I do hope you’ve learned the futility of tail gating me. On a side street. With 2 open lanes available for you to use; one on either side of me. I found your insistent that I move out of your way appealing to my contrary nature; the more you kept closing the distance, the less I felt the need to maintain my speed. Which, if any law enforcement officials are reading is not admission of guilt, could have been in excess of the posted limit.
Dear Other Fellow Commuters —
Of the love of all that is holy; learn to MERGE on a highway. It really is a simple process – use your turn signal, accelerate or decelerate to position your car in the open space, take turns (like a zipper). Your poor planning, lack of attention or general insistence on the right of way — which you do not have !!!! — does not constitute an imperative on my part to give way to you. I really try to be polite and let those who do a minimum of the necessary steps merge easily. But again — see the above comment. I have lots of time which apparently you don’t.
Dear Telemarketer —
I realize you have a job to do. It isn’t your fault that you are not selling anything I’m interested in. I listen politely to your opening line and then politely inform you I’m not interested. Continuing to insist I listen to your pitch may not be in your best interest. Sorry your boss came on the line and chewed you out after I asked you to wait while I a.) took dinner off the stove, b.) kissed my wife goodbye as she left for work, c) thought I heard the doorbell {twice – are you really that slow}, and d) had to get the fire extinguisher to put out the cat because it got on the stove to get the dinner.
I do appreciate your insistence that I would be right back. But I lied. I’m not really sorry your boss chewed you out.
Dear Gun Club Member Paying Your Dues –
I say this with an absolute of jealousy. I find it absolutely fantastic that the company you own or work for would be willing to pay your dues. But please for both our sakes (and often that of the poor accounts payable person) have them (or you do it) put your actual name on the check. Or in a note accompanying the payment.
This way they don’t have to call me in 90 days wonder why check #123456 from ABC Fence and Pawn hasn’t been cashed yet. Or you have to call me wondering why you got a past due notice.
Dear Iowans –
Thank you for an warm and friendly stay in your great state. But you folks are out of your effing minds if you think I’m going to move up there. Great place to visit but I’ll come back when the temps are 3 or 4 times higher than the high during the week. 22 is just a little chilly for my blood and this -8 degrees in the morning didn’t make me want to get out and walk around your town. Or walk anywhere.
Source: http://3bxsofbs.infamousanime.net/?p=9038
