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Trying Out the “Swiftly Delivered Honesty” Approach
So… remember that book on Emotional Resilience I picked up and started (and haven't quite finished yet)? One of its main suggestions for a much improved social and emotional life is to stop holding in your thoughts and feelings when you're upset with someone, and instead just bring up your concerns as kindly but honestly as possible. For those of us who faced unrelenting criticism and rejection growing up, “swift honesty” can be daunting. Especially with people you've known a LONG time. Even more so when you know part of your own problem with a person or situation is your own lack of patience or compassion…
But, well, I did it. I told one of my friends that I was starting to get put out about something, and what's more, that I was jealous of her attention to her family, even if that's not fair of me. I told her I was reeling in the jealousy, but I needed better communication regarding when things start to go off the rails to avoid this one glitch she and I keep running into.
I didn't really think I'd get rejected for being honest about these things. However, it was not exactly how I would have handled things in the past. Normally, I'd consider my issues too petty to deal with, until the petty stuff kept building up to the point they were no longer petty but instead constant irritations. Then I'd finally bring up my issues when they were already well underway and my resentment and frustration had reached a point I could no longer continue as before. But this time I brought up what was bugging me at the beginning of the issues starting to get to me.
And I'm feeling rather proud of myself. I was kindly honest, and I made several suggestions for how maybe we could improve our communications. I also took responsibility for my own unfair attitude about some things, so I don't feel guilty for holding back that I'm not so perfect either.
I don't know what the outcome will be. Maybe this will cause my friend to pull back. Maybe we'll be better for it. I'm not sure. I'm not used to being much of a pro-active advocate for myself AND the other person I'm trying to work things out with. Its weird to begin implementing entirely new strategies in your life, but I figure if I don't try it, I won't know whether or not it works.
ONE thing is for sure though: I feel better. I'm not holding it in like a braced set of tension wires. Its rather a relief not to clutch even such a minor pain in so much.
Source: http://lucretiasheart.livejournal.com/1031564.html
