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IFS Exercises: Contacting Rottenred
Continuing on my exploration of difficult Aspects that popped up during an episode at a diner last weekend…
Before contacting Crybaby, I wanted to attempt communication with a difficult Ray based upon my father called Rottenred. He is a part of me that seems intent upon continuing the legacy of my father by insulting me and just generally being disgusted by me and hating me. In IFS, we are supposed to discover WHY each aspect takes on these habitual behaviors and work to bring them up to date on life (as in informing them we're not children anymore, so some tactics are outdated) and find them better, more healthy roles to play in our mental life.
I'm nervous (or rather, a part of me is nervous!) to deal with a Ray that for a long time I considered to be an enemy the way my father was an enemy. For a long time, I violently rejected this aspect, and flatly refused to deal with him, as I just wanted him to go away. Now, to truly heal these parts of myself, I have to embrace his existence and see if we can have a healthier, more mutually beneficial relationship. I must approach this dialog with compassion and an open mind and heart.
Which may prove challenging. I have blended with Bitterwitch regarding this matter. She is my self-righteous, arrogant, defensive side. I spoke to her (in my imagination) yesterday and she agreed to let me do this without interference, so hopefully that works out.
Rather than picture my actual father, I'm going with an image that embodies the character of the aspect but can be separate, because really Rottenred is all ME, even if he's based upon an emulation of my father. I'm thinking of Jack Nicholson in some of his more grating, threatening roles. That fits really well with my feelings regarding my father's feelings and behaviors towards me that I think my readers will understand very easily.
I'm not sure how best to approach this. I could do the glass wall separation in my mind's eye again, but I think I'll do a therapist's office instead. I'm going to ask Summers to be a compassionate 3rd party. I don't know that such a tactic is “IFS approved” but what the hell? I could spend forever trying to 'unblend' from every part that has a problem with Rottenred, and I will eventually, but for now, whatever gets the dialog started is worth pursuing. So this will be a meeting with me (blended I'm sure), Summers, and Rottenred.
~ As imagined ~
(I asked Summers to join us, and she agrees, saying, “The book is a guide, not a law. So let's give it go and see what happens,” and I imagine entering a soothing and colorful therapists office and taking a seat. Summers then talks to RR to discuss how this is supposed to work and persuades him to take a seat as well. Summers is wearing a flowing green blouse and slacks, with light make-up and jewelry. Rottenred is wearing a bright red button-up sweater over a light yellow shirt and banana yellow pants– an outfit my father once wore.)
SUMMERS: Okay! *smiles reassuringly* We are all here to see if different aspects of Lucy can learn to cooperate and respect one another better, so as to avoid more situations like the incident at the diner last weekend. Lucy noticed several parts that came forward during that awkward situation, and has already spoken to one aspect and will be speaking to another later. Today, however, she would like to begin communication with the aspect known as 'Rottenred' (for now) and…
ROTTENRED: *Interrupts* … sounds like you two have this all worked out between you. Don't see why I have to be here at all.
SUMMERS: Lucy? Would you like to answer that?
SELF: Yes. I need you here because I have some serious problems…
ROTTENRED: …you got that right!
SELF: … and I want to alleviate those problems…
ROTTENRED: And I'm one of those problems!
SUMMERS: Red, I'm going to ask you not to interrupt. We're coming at this from a place of mutual respect. It wasn't easy for many of Lucy's selves to even make this step, but Lucy wants things to be better for all parts of her, including you.
SELF: Red, I don't think your existence is a problem. I used to, and I'm sorry. I realize that was wrong of me. Every child growing up with parents has mini versions of their parents in their heads. Its how this works. I think the problem is how we relate to one another. I want us to get along better and for both of us to feel better. Right now, its my job to help YOU actually. I understand your defensiveness with me. I am glad you are joining us, even though this isn't easy.
ROTTENRED: *nodding cynically* Are you done now? Is this making you feel all happy and self-righteous? Got the warm fuzzies over reaching out to the Big Bad? Please, spare me the charity!
SELF: Yeah, I understand your skepticism. And yeah, it feels all fake-concerned and self-preeningly self-serving. I get it. But nothing else is working, and this does seem to work for a lot of different issues, so I'd like to try it.
SUMMERS: Alright, let's see if we can get back on track here. We're here to ask Rottenred how he feels and to find out what he needs. Red, you seem skeptical, and that's okay. Can you tell Lucy why you don't trust her?
ROTTENRED: Yeah, I can tell her. *leans forward towards me* I don't trust you, because you're a screw-up. You're lazy. You whine. You just generally get on my nerves! And you're always falling for this BUNK… this bullshit self-help crap!
SELF: *nods* Interesting… I definitely feel other aspects of me are scared and threatened. I'm asking them to step back and not blend with me so much. Okay. I want to ask Red again, more specifically this time, what are you afraid I'll do to YOU? I get that you're not happy with me in general, but what is your issue with me in this particular case.
ROTTENRED: I think its bullshit! Just sound and fury signifying nothing.
SUMMERS: So you are saying you're afraid its a waste of time? Effort?
ROTTENRED: Yeah. *but he hesitates*
SELF: What? Its seems like you want to say something else. Please know its okay. We're not here to beat you up. We want to understand you. We want to help you. I want to help you.
ROTTENRED: Look. I'm tired of being the designated 'bad guy.'
SELF: I bet you are! You have this job to make other aspects of me designated punching bags.
SUMMERS: Okay, maybe there's a better way to phrase that.
SELF: Sure… sorry. Blending! *takes a breath* A lot of aspects have roles that they don't like. I guess what I'd like to do is make it so that you're not all STUCK with jobs that not only YOU don't like, but that no one else likes either! I mean, what's the point of that, right? You don't like being a bully, I'm thinking– feel free to correct me– and other aspects don't like being bullied. I guess the question is then, so why do you have to be? You got this job to be a bad guy… you don't want to be a bad guy. So…?
ROTTENRED: *he stands up and paces the room, Summers intervenes, he sits again*
*seems to want to talk, but doesn't. Looks frustrated.*
SUMMERS: Red? I know you have listened to at least some prior dialogs. You've heard some of what went down with Bitterwitch and Lucy. I sense you're aware of how this process works to an extent. I want you to know that you're safe expressing whatever thoughts and feelings you have. We will listen, and we will respect what you share.
SELF: *nods silently*
ROTTENRED: *fidgets some more*
I… make sure… that no criticism that comes to you will be a… surprise. Okay? Now, I get that you're not a little girl, and I am not your father. But… *hesitates a long while*
SUMMERS: But…? I think keeping Lucy on her toes is a job that made sense for a while. When she was a little girl, and a not-so-little girl, and a teenager, you kept her from being shocked by what her father said to her. She was prepared by your inner voice. I think I can understand that. Lucy, do you agree?
SELF: *nods* Absolutely! When I am shocked by a criticism, I'm in a worse position to handle it. I needed to be adaptable, flexible, when I had to live in the same house with my father for many years. You helped save me. I want to thank you for that.
ROTTENRED: But you're gonna tell me that you don't need me for that job anymore, right?
SELF: Well, yeah! The truth is that at this point, nothing is a surprise anymore! I've heard them all. I don't need an inner criticism 'coach' to jump the gun and smack me around before others do it. Not now. I'm in my 40s you realize. You have a right to exist. But if you're worried about my intentions, all I'm thinking is maybe suggesting you take on the parts of my dad that were GOOD…. *I tear up*
SUMMERS: Okay, Sweetie. You're doing great. We are skipping ahead a little, but that's okay if Red is okay with it. Red, are you interested in hearing more about this idea?
ROTTENRED: *he nods, looking uncomfortable*
SELF: *takes a breath* My father wasn't always a total asshole. He was intelligent and a great conversationalist. He was a prolific ideas man. An inventor. An adventurer. A dancer. He loved cats. He could be funny. He always had a LOT of friend- they were showing up out of the woodwork, even years later after he died, wondering where he was. He had friends all over the world. He was a con artist, but he had a wide network of people in his life he really liked who liked him. He was NEVER boring. I really wanted to love him. I really wanted him to love me. And he did, early on. Like a LOT. If you wanted to be a keeper of the memories and behaviors of the dad I loved, and bring that into my life, then I would welcome that. You could take on the positive roles of my father, because he was larger than life and there was so much more to him than ugly insults and envy and bullying. That's what I wanted to remind you of…
SUMMERS: Thank you, Sweetie. Red, what is your reaction to hearing that?
ROTTENRED: *scratching his head, looking thoughtful*
SELF: Red, if you're not ready to make any big changes right now, I understand. Would it be okay if I asked you to think about things?
ROTTENRED: *worried tension, but no other response*
SUMMERS: Red? Can you communicate to us what you're thinking?
ROTTENRED: *swallows* Yeah… its about the part where she said he used to love her. She was her dad's favorite kid early on, and she knew that. Then things changed and that ended and she was devastated, and then furious as well.
SELF: Oh, yeah, I remember. I'm sensing that you're relating to a Shadow aspect who is a rejected Daddy's Girl?
SUMMERS: Is that true, Red?
ROTTENRED: Yeah, its true. I'm not ready to discuss it right now, but later maybe…
SUMMERS: Well, we've gotten a good start today, so we can stop for now. Thank you for sharing with us, Red. How do you feel, Lucy?
SELF: I'm okay with stopping for now. I just want to ask Rottenred if he'll think over the idea of taking on a new job as 'Good Dad' aspect? I could use a new mental father, and I think he would prefer that to being my inner bully. And thank you for revealing the new Aspect, which shouldn't be a surprise, but I didn't think about it on my own.
(There is some wrap up. I let Rottenred know I care about him and offer him a mental hug. He accepts it quietly and then exit, slamming the door– which Summers thinks is just re-establishing a boundary because it was a powerful and disrupting session. I go over some plans with Summers who says my father abruptly going from having me be his favorite to being his scapegoat was a shocking thing for an 8 year old to face. I actually cry a little bit, thinking about that, but feel hopeful for the future.)
~ End Session ~
Source: http://lucretiasheart.livejournal.com/1218094.html
