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A New Twist to an Old Punishment
The vote on a controversial school policy proposal is scheduled to take place within the bowels of the NEA this week. The groundbreaking program in question is a new twist on the "Scarlet Letter" that had to be worn by those accused of adultery in colonial times, and has come to be known, unoriginally enough, as "The Ivory Letter." Proposed by NEA President, Tabatha Klondike, this new policy would require all students from middle-school age and up who were still virgins to display a prominent, white "V" on the front of their clothing.
The formation of this latest policy was prompted by a report from NEA's Social Psychology Director, Ms. Margaret Misologist. I quote now from her article in the Teacher's Union monthly trade newsletter, The Education Indoctri Nation:
"As recent studies have shown, the cure-all effects of Ritalin greatly diminish as students enter their teenage years. Whether this is due to a natural resistance that builds up within the body or a dilution of the active chemical agents of Ritalin by other, non-prescription, self-prescribed substances teenagers tend to inhale, and/ or ingest, is unimportant. The most vital issue for teachers all around the country is how to achieve absolute control of their students and classrooms with the minimal amount of administrative supervision and interaction."
At a teacher's conference in San Francisco, Ms. Klondike explained the leap from this report to her latest boondoggle heaped upon the nation's education system. "Like, I want to get straight to the point, okay? Our newest studies prove that students who have overactive sex lives are much more preoccupied, docile, and less prone to violence than their prudish classmates. We believe the Ivory Letter will, like, serve a twofold purpose. It'll provide the cold fish who have to wear it with a little incentive to loosen up and get with the program, and it'll also give the kids looking for a good time, a target group – if they're interested in a challenge, that is." She also stated that the new catch phrase for middle and high school teachers should be, "Preoccupation brings proper sedation."
Ms. Klondike was quick to shoot down a suggestion that girls who have chosen to engage in lesbianism should be forced to wear a blue "L" on their clothing. "Like, I think most of the young gals out there today are like me and my crew. We love our girl time, but we never miss the chance to hook-up with a caveman. It, like, wouldn‘t be fair for those who want to swing both ways to be put into a box."
Ms. Klondike also revealed plans for a second phase of the program, to work hand in hand with her new system of extended school hours, which will introduce an extremely explicit sex-education program, as well as conjugal student lounges. "Like, I know we're going to have a fight on our hands with that one – especially with some of these 'traditional' parent-figures still out there. But, hey, we've been giving out free condoms for years. What we're suggesting is safe, semi-supervised recreation that keeps the kids out of the parents' hair for awhile. What's not to like?"
