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Independent Researchers Discover New Syndrome
In search of the cause of the mass apathy, lethargy, and stupidity rampant in 21st century America, a group of independent researchers set out on a bold venture, at their own expense, a little over two years ago. And now that the findings have been compiled, it seems their hard work has been successful.
"We've taken all the symptoms and other infinite variables into the equation, and found a single, common denominator in every case – a condition whereby the human intellect is separated from the victim's brain," reported Dr. Alfred Neuron, one of the most eminent brain specialists in the world, and spokesman for the research group. "It somehow scrambles the data we receive from our primary senses, and prevents the infected brain from seeing a given concept or situation for what it really is," he continued.
Dubbed I.V.A.B.S. (Intellectually Vacant Atrophied Brain Syndrome), it's not yet clear how this devastating disease denies the human mind its power of reason, but it is rampant. "Our initial estimates indicate that a minimum of ninety-five percent of the population is affected by varying degrees in the United States alone," confirmed Dr. Neuron.
And it appears to be disturbingly indiscriminate. In a sampling from a controlled lab report, a forty-eight year-old pot-bellied, pot smoking male construction worker, attempting to convince everyone he was a World War II historian after watching a single documentary episode on the History Channel, was paired with a twenty-three year-old female administrative assistant who wasn't able to change a light bulb in a floor lamp without a detailed set of instructions, but had just earned a huge bonus from her employer (Ramrod, Cheatum, and Shaft Investment Counselors, Inc.) for developing a highly confusing, artificially sophisticated money laundering chain designed to bilk investors and keep the banking regulators chasing their tails. Within minutes, both test subjects had been convinced by a local politician that, not only would he keep all his campaign promises once elected, he genuinely had their best interests at heart. Hundreds of similar disparate combinations produced identically astounding results.
Monitoring brain-wave patterns during group discussions also led to some surprising finds. When the topic centered on something that was actually relevant to daily life (forced legislation, economics, etc.), the debate was constant, and often times heated, but consisted of catch phrases learned by rote. When asked to explain the specifics of a particular concept for which they were arguing passionately, every subject, without fail, experienced a total shut-down of conscious brain activity. Their jaw muscles would slacken, eyes would roll blankly in the head, and they would break out into a cold sweat – a condition known in scientific circles as the "duh" reflex. But when the discussion turned to the events occurring in a particular celebrity's life, or a popular television show such as American A$$hole, neural activity spiked and remained at abnormally high levels throughout the conversation. The subjects were able to recite, and expound upon, incredible amounts of trivial data from memory, all the while in a trance-like, euphoric state. (At this point, the researchers are not sure whether the "duh" reflex is a side effect of I.V.A.B.S. or is somehow a subset of the cause).
In separate questionnaires, upwards of eighty-eight percent of the participants still believed that all three of the World Trade Center buildings that collapsed into their own footprint on September 11, 2001, did so without the use of controlled demolition charges. "Frightening," was the group's written consensus after finally compiling the preceding reports.
Flush with the success of their findings, the group is now intent upon seeking a cure, fueled by the torrents of private investment dollars now pouring into their offices. "We are confident that the debilitating effects of this disease can be halted – and have every reason to believe they can be reversed," Dr. Neuron revealed in an early morning press conference.
Their initial line of attack will focus on TV deprivation – especially evening news programs and sit-coms. They admit this is a hazardous, cold-turkey approach, but they feel that the current state of affairs in this country warrants the risks of any potential resulting backlash. All proper precautions will be taken (a complete medical emergency staff has been assigned to the project 24/7), and the test subjects are fully warned ahead of time of every possible side effect.
While this epidemic is certainly nothing to be taken lightly, it would seem there is no need for panic. In my opinion, a key paragraph from the doctors' written report to the A.M.A. sums it up best: "Although, in most cases, there are multiple factors responsible for this devastating mental state, we have a strong suspicion at this point that the major causal element is little more than laziness; specifically, the brain is simply reacting – or, more appropriately, not reacting – to a lack of meaningful intellectual stimulation."
I guess the mental muscle is just like any other, folks – if you don't use it, you lose it. We'll continue to report the findings of this innovative group's research as it becomes available.
What those scientists forgot to mention was that those ninety percent had significant genetic combinations of parrots and sheep in their DNA. Unfortunately the only cure is to cull the race…