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Local Pastor Launches Musical Outreach
Yesterday afternoon, after delivering a guest sermon on resisting temptation, Father Roderick van Halen called in a few unexpected guests, and unleashed his newest enterprise on an unprepared public. Standing at the pulpit of the venerated St. Mary's Chapel inside the National Cathedral in Northwest Washington, D.C. with his partner-in-crime, Georgie Christ, Father van Halen announced the formation of their new band, which, they are confident, will successfully spearhead a genre of music they are pioneering – Heathenpunck. Surrounded by female groupies wearing little more than red leather vests and mini-skirts, the duo stated their goal was to bring the new Savior's message to a beleaguered human race that was starving for truth. "To accomplish this glorious calling, we've been given a sign that the time is right for our group, Cracka Rappas, to make its debut," Rod proclaimed, his arms raised high in the air.
Trained as a classical musician at Juilliard College, and including his stint on lead guitar for the Heavy Metal band, Death Puppies, while attending seminary, Father van Halen boasts a strong musical background. "And my homie, here, can lay down some hot licks on a mandolin," Rod assured the growing crowd when questioned about Mr. Christ's abilities.
"There's always been musicians in the Christ family," Georgie added, speaking to the members of the press who had been tipped off concerning the surprise announcement. "Uncle Frank played a mean bass for the Drop Ded Zealots, and Aunt Jezebel was backup singer and banged a tambourine for the Samaritan grunge band, O.P.P. (Octavius Pontius Pilate). I've been around the music scene for about two thousand years – it's nothing Greek to me."
Confronted about his less-than-clad female entourage, Father van Halen became defensive, citing every music group's need for backup vocalists and stage dancers. "We knew going into this thing that tapping the Geritol crowd just wasn't going to cut it. Every one of these girls is a member in good standing with my church. They are professionals, and they're treated like professionals. They bring in our sheep, they get paid, they go home – no one gets hurt. And even if something in a gray area were going on – Mary Magdalene ring a bell with anybody? 'Turn ye not away those who thirst for truth'," he concluded to a healthy round of applause and several catcalls.
And just exactly what is the "Savior's" message that seems to be going forth via this questionable vehicle? With song titles on their upcoming CD such as: "The Wine's Just Fine", "Three Tokes and a Wish", and, "The Whiskey Made Me Do It", many people are naturally suspicious.
To avoid any confusion, this reporter asked Mr. Christ to sum up his tidings in a few sentences for our ill-bred, dumbed-down generation. And I quote, "My message is simple. Chill. Stop trying to be perfect, 'cause it ain't gonna happen. If you're doing the absolute best you can, and all you've managed to become is an unemployed, abusive drunk – don't sweat it. Just be the best damned non-working alcoholic you can be. Trust me. I know what I'm talking about. I am Georgie, I am the Christ."
When challenged on his exhortations by a group of aging, irate nuns who had begun to swarm the chapel, some of them brandishing mace and spiked billy clubs, Mr. Christ went on to contend that the "Golden Age" for this Earth would not begin until everyone on it ceased being a "poser" and revealed who they truly were.
The event was cut short after Father van Halen became involved in a heated, explicative laced shoving match with a young, Hispanic bishop, and the police were called. Appearing to relish the attention, Rod smiled and made his "bull sign", hissing "Diiiiiaaaaablohhhhh!" into a news camera as he was escorted to the paddy wagon.
No doubt Father van Halen's clout and connections will afford him a short stay in the local lockup, and we're hopeful we'll be able to pin him down soon for our long-promised interview.
